Somewhere, at some time, in every relationship, there is a wagon-wheel coffee table. That archetypal table, the "stupid, wagon wheel, Roy Rogers, garage sale COFFEE TABLE," features prominently in the iconic movie When Harry Met Sally, both for its ugliness and its symbolic spiny contention. Because, more than merely serve as a landing pad for magazines, Chinese food and feet, this coffee table represents the stark division in tastes endemic to almost every human relationship.
People are understandably attached to their stuff-our stuff is what makes our house a home. And yet every now and again we need to reconsider our stuff: what it looks like, where it goes and what other stuff should surround it. This process is called decorating. It's necessary from time to time, but the discord surrounding it is not. As much as any couple may need a new look for their home, that couple doesn't need the friction of the wagon-wheel coffee table. Decorating doesn't need to make loving people come to blows. Here's a short guide for how to do your home without getting done in yourselves.
Consider what's most important to you: organization... entertaining...spatial flow?
A project has a higher chance of ending satisfactorily if you take the time to clarify what it is you want to get from it. You and your loved one need to do more than just decide that you're going to decorate. You need to come to some conclusions about the conceptual gains you want from your new home. Do you want better organization in your living space? A new, more efficient kitchen? A bedroom designed to enable sleep and relaxation? Do you need to do a more major overhaul, tear down walls and reorganize your floor plan in order to create a more harmonious spatial flow? Or is it simply a question of changing a color scheme, moving some furniture, and some light cosmetic work to make you feel lighter and fresher?
Having a clear conversation about what you want to do to your home, what you can realistically accomplish given your time and your finances, and what exactly you want to get out of the changes you're making will set the pattern for design success-and relationship happiness.
Research, plan and design-together
As with making dinner, plans for the weekend, or whoopie, you'll find that you're more successful when you work together. Most people peruse magazines, websites or design books for design inspiration, and this is a good tactic to take. Consider augmenting your design browsing with book such as one from the Apartment Therapy series or Jonathan Adler's My Prescription for Anti-Depressant Living (Collins Design, 2005). These books-and others-take into account the psychological impact of your design choices. After coming up with your plan, compromise with your partner. What can you live with? What can he or she? And what is the Venn diagram between your choices and your beloved's? Doing research together will help clarify.
Reevaluate What's Already There
Decorating can feel daunting. Just the sheer prospect of the seemingly endless list of decisions can make any otherwise clear-headed person put down that list and pick up the Wii. Add to that stress the emotional ties we as humans have to that chair, those end tables, this vase, and then factor in your partner's similar feelings; the end product is a great mass of stress. One thing you and your beloved can do is to consider what you have that can be given a new lease on life by new paint, new fabric, or a new purpose. A beloved credenza can get painted blue and installed in a bathroom for extra storage. New slipcovers for a couch can create a whole new visual. Covering the edge of a mirror with a frame can add drama and dimension. Consider the structural nature of pieces you and your partner love-or hate. This kind of inventory can help you relinquish the things that need to go, keep the things that don't and, most importantly, maintain the peace by lowering the stress meter.
Figure out a Budget and Stick to It
The biggest stress in any relationship comes from two sources: money and time. In decorating as in life, it is important to mindfully calculate the relationship between your valuable resources and your project. This kind of budgeting can feel really difficult if you have a long list of projects you want to accomplish. Sit down with your spouse or partner and take a long, hard look at exactly how much each project will cost both in time and money. Not everyone can live without the use of his or her kitchen for the time it takes to replace the whole thing. Think about how to break down such a big project into its components-replacing one or two appliances, then moving the sink or creating an island, and finally installing new cabinets.
Come Up with a Game Plan
Once you've come up with a clear concept of exactly what you want to do, how much money and time you want to spend doing it, and what you're keeping and tossing, you need to divide the labor. Some couples are delighted to give the job of decorating to one partner. There's nothing wrong with that. But decorating isn't going to make the grocery shopping, cleaning, chauffeuring, pet care and household finances disappear. Consider how to reapportion the household tasks during the decorating period.
If you're deciding to share the décor duties, figure out what needs to be done and who is going to do it. Do you need to call a contractor? Do you need to buy paint? Fabric? Commission any sewing? Retile? Build shelves? Break down the decorating process into its clear and discrete tasks, and then figure out who is going to do what.
Shop with Love
If you're in the market for new stuff, use one rule for your shopping: only buy it if you love it. If you don't love it, set it free. If you come back to it, you know it was supposed to be yours, and if you don't, you're better off. You're going to be living with this stuff for a while. You want stuff you really, really love.
Be Honest with Each other and Talk:
This rule above all: to thine other be true. You and your partner need to be open, honest and clear with each other about your feelings, whether those feelings have to do with money, sex, children, faith or credenzas. It can be hard, really hard, to tell your man that you hate his coffee table, and it can be hard to tell your woman that you really can't abide floral wallpaper. However, being in an adult relationship means having to say just that, as nicely as possible. With clarity, tact, and love, you can make a home together, a very pretty, comfortable and harmoniously colored home.
